It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon here in N.C. Bright and sunny with a cool breeze. I’m sitting out on the front porch listening to the birds sing and chirp, watching the trees sway in the breeze. I just finished doing some grounding along with some breathwork. I also love listening to Londrelle, guided meditations while doing so. It’s always so calming for me.

Yesterday was a rough one for me. I had a mini meltdown. 

It was the first time where I felt so angry about how I got here…here in my life. Unemployed, carless, living with my boyfriend and his mom. Functioning in environments that I never would’ve imagined I’d be experiencing again. 

I was sitting in the car, waiting for her while she was in the store. Something about observing everything and everyone around me through awakened eyes hit me so differently. 

I grew up in ‘the hood’. 

So, I’m no stranger to it. I love the people of my city, so it’s not about judgement or a superiority complex.But yes, I left here at age 22 to create a different life for myself. I slaved away for years to finally provide a comfortable, safe life for myself. 

Something about watching and listening in that environment last night after having a long day made me so sad. Watching my people operating still under the spell. The loud low-vibrational music, fast food, and gambling—hoping for extra cash after bills. etc. I just wanted to yell out “Wake up, please wake up”. 

Then suddenly I was enraged. 

Asking “Why did I have to wake up?” “Why did I just need to know the truth so bad?”

I was jealous of their joy and comfort of not knowing. I thought about the christians in my life who are living their answered prayers from a God outside of themselves. Living their best lives, finding love, buying beautiful homes, traveling, etc. Although they are not awakened to the deeper truths I now see, their faith in their God is unwavering—and because of that, they actually receive the blessings they pray for. 

Prior to my awakening, I discovered manifestation and I can honestly say that it worked for me, even before I realized it. And now while going through my awakening, I feel like it has all halted. I don’t understand why that is. Does awakening change manifestation? Or is it protection? Maybe there are parts of myself still evolving, to become the version of me who is ready for that desired life. 

But in that moment I was pissed, saying aloud that I deserve so much more. 

I can have the material life that I desire and also be a good person. Why does it feel like it has to be one or the other? False Gods seem to be delivering for their people. Maybe I should just slide back in. Not that I would but I was just having a moment.

Normally I would’ve guilted myself for feeling this way. I would force the gratitude and love mindset to clear away these feelings. But not yesterday. I’m learning everyday in this journey and I’ve come to a place of understanding that trying to “love & light” everything away isn’t authentic to who I am. It would’ve been fake at that moment. There’s no light without dark. No happiness without sadness. 

I allowed myself to feel those raw emotions and it felt great. I shed a few tears. I did what was needed for myself. 

My gratitude for today is redemption, grace and love.

Each day is new, so today I decided that I have moved on from that moment. I’m going to enjoy this beautiful weather. 

The journey isn’t always easy, but I trust that every emotion, every frustration, and every moment of peace is guiding me exactly where I need to be.